Ahoy, mateys! My name be Captain Pegnose, and I be your portal to all your mysterious questions about the Pirates vs. Ninjas Universe. Unfortunately, for me first column, I don’t have any questions. This be producing quite the conundrum as no questions means no article. On the other hook, no article means no one be knowing to ask me questions. So… I’ll just answer the questions I knew ye were gonna ask.
You can ask me anything. I be answering questions on lore, me personal history, obscure facts about Pirates vs. Ninjas, even Arrata (Editior’s Note: He means errata). Just don’t be sending me questions about ninjas, unless it’s about gutting them. I hate answering questions about them.
Arr! Here be the first question.
Captain Pegnose. Who be the baddest Captain that strikes fear into the heart of the Kraken?
Aye. That be easy. Me crew and Me are feared in every port and every sea. We plunder what we can take and burn the rest down. We run a fearsome galleon with a crew of hundreds. Any rumors about me crew being smaller and us operating out of a small caravel be slander. Aye. I be the most feared Pirate in the world today.
Although, most would just say, “Two-Eyed Pete”. But that answer be boring.
Almighty Captain. What be the best faction to look into for a first mate?
Most people be saying that Arrcrobats and fellow Charrismatic Lords be making great first mates. In my years of sea-worthy experience, every Arrcrobat and Charrismatic Lord I’ve let handle the reins for a while has ultimately back-stabbed me, stolen me ship, and made me walk the plank. Drunkarrds, likewise, can’t be trusted as they’ll get into your storeroom and drink all yer sweet elixir of the gods. Aye. If I had to be saying any faction fer a first mate, I’d say a Charreographer be the best choice. They keep in time with yer steps, follow orders perfectly, and if one every talks back to you, ye can just have the cabin boy play an off-beat tune on his violin. That be keeping them in line.
Oh Captain, me Captain. Be it true that the Feykinja didn’t exist until a month ago?
NOW WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT NINJA QUESTIONS AND QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR NINJERY!? Very well. I be a forgiving Captain, and I be answering this once. Some be saying such rumors, but there be no real way of tellin’. If it were true, they’d have managed to engrain themselves in the public conscious without anyone so much as raisin’ a mug o’ mead. It be possible that if such a thing be happening tho’, that they would’ve needed to replace an existing group of people. I imagine they might not be too keen on such a replacement and would be planning a revenge from their purgatory.
Captn’ Peggy. What’s the best way to trick a ninja.
See? This be an excellent question. I find that covering meself in glue and waiting for one of the buggers to jump on me back be an excellent way to trick them. Once they stuck on good, you just slam your back against a wall until they fall down. The only downside be that this trick ruins the coat you’re wearing. So, it may not be profitable if ye didn’t rob a merchant ship full o’ coats like I did. And don’t call me Peggy.
Wait. Why is your accent so inconsistent?
AVAST! I’ll cut yer gizzard fer that.
Pegnose. Is it true that your mum be the mum in “yer mum be large”?
Nay. She be a hefty lass, but I be seeing bigger. She’s healthy, but no whale… Wait. Be you insulting me Mu-
Moving on. When’s the next article?
Aye. I be updating every other Tuesday unless I be real popular… If I be really UNPOPULAR, possibly never. Aye. Send me questions. I be needing the money.
What kind of questions should I send?
Be you stupid? I’ve been answering all sorts all along. Send me anything, I be answering it with me massive intellect.
How should I send questions?
I already be answering this. Follow the bird talk or mail of the e (Editor’s Note: Twitter and Email) links above. I be answering them as I get them.
Hey. Aren’t you the pirate that managed crash a ship into the port last week… backwards?
NAY! IT BE SLANDER! I BE FRAMED! ANYONE THAT BE ASKING THAT QUESTION BE THE GREATEST CALIBER OF LANDLUBBER!
You made up these questions…
I’LL GUT YOU!
I uhh… am you.
ARR! THEN I’LL GUT ME!
You really shouldn’t…
ARR! HOW DO THat be feelin….
EDITOR’S NOTE: Captain Pegnose was checked into a local clinic shortly after this article. Doctor’s say he’s fine, and will make a full recovery by the next article.